Hollywood Star So Vain She Has Surgery On Her Veins

The world is suffering from Kimye, crippling weather, and Madonna’s gold grill.  We need affordable medicare, and a break from twerking.  As hard as it is to get a decent job, one weirdo decided to burn money on the stupidest of stupid.  Don’t tell anyone we told you, but Angelina Jolie is getting surgery on the fat veins in her arms.
Brad Pitt and the kids are rushing the couple to wed.  We know somebody who swears Angie won’t move without the surgery.  She’s insecure about the unsightly thick veins.  Jolie knows her veins stick out more than Kanye West with the Jenners.  When she weds, the  last thing she wants to see is creepy photos.
We respect Angelina’s public double mastectomy, and dedication to helping the less fortunate.  Is wasting millions of dollars on ‘vain’ surgery ridiculous?  Wouldn’t it just be easier for Angie to eat a burger, and fries?  After all, she weighs less than 100 pounds.