Washington D. C. is competing with Chicago for America’s most weird and dangerous city. The government shut down season caused quite a stir amongst politicians, twitter addicts, and socially conscious celebrities.
First, there was a mass shooting at the Washington Navy Yard. Aaron Alexis was under “the delusional belief that he was being controlled or influenced by extremely low frequency electromagnetic waves” according to the FBI. “My ELF weapon” was carved in the sawed-off shotgun he used in the massacre. “ELF” refers to electromagnetic waves, a technology used for submarine communications that conspiracy theorist (that’s us) insist the government uses to monitor unsuspecting citizens. A message from the attacker read, “Ultra low frequency attack is what I’ve been subject to for the last 3 months, and to be perfectly honest, that is what has driven me to this.” Before authorities killed him like stress did Lebron James’ hairline, Alexis went on to kill 12 people, and wounded four others. He may have been crazy, but the guy was also a United States Navy Veteran.
A very short time later, an unsuspecting woman, Miriam Carey committed suicide by cop when she tried to get it cracking in President Barack Obama’s neighborhood. She slammed into a barrier just one block from the White House. Cops ended up joining the Connecticut woman on a high speed pursuit thru busy traffic, and red lights. An eye witnesses claimed, “The car was trying to get away. But it was going over the median and over the curb, the car got boxed in and that’s when I saw an officer of some kind draw his weapon and fire shots into the car.” They accused the dental hygenist of suffering from postpartum depression, but a dead woman cannot speak. Did we mention that a kid was in the car through the chaos?
Now a mystery man has committed suicide by setting himself on fire at the National Mall. We only say ‘mystery’ because the poor guy, had burns so severe that authorities needed to use DNA and dental records to determine his identity. Joggers claim the man, who we now know as John Constantino, poured gasoline over his entire body. Shocked bystanders said they saw guys rushing to save him. He “saluted the Capitol”, and even managed to say “Thank you” to those who extinguished the blaze. To make it even spookier, reports suggest electronic gadgets were found at the scene.
We guess you think he was just crazy and also suffering from postpartum depression? Regardless of your stance on the Tea Party, Obama Care, and the #governmentshutdown, you have to admit stress from government officials has spread to the citizens of the United States of America. Why is it so easy to shut down America’s government, when we can’t shut down the Kardashian family?