WASHINGTON—Expressing gratitude for helping her escape certain punishment, Malia Obama quietly thanked two Secret Service agents Thursday for taking the rap after she crashed a government vehicle into a White House barricade while returning from a late-night party. “Thanks so much, you guys; I promise I’ll be way more careful next time,” whispered the president’s 16-year-old daughter, adding that she would have been “totally screwed” if the two agents hadn’t stepped in to cover for her negligent behavior. “If my parents knew I was out drinking, they would’ve freaked. I really hope my dad didn’t get too mad and yell at you. Seriously, if you guys hadn’t taken the blame for me I would’ve been grounded for, like, a month.” At press time, Malia Obama was reiterating how grateful she was that the agents had also played off her boyfriend’s furtive visit last November as a security breach by a crazed White House intruder. – TheOnion
