Everybody in entertainment attended Diddy’s birthday party. Well everyone accept us, and Rihanna. Thanks for adding us to the VIP list Sean John Combs, but here’s the top 10 reasons we could not attend.
10) The weather. Why spend a perfect 80 degree evening snatched in a waist trainer, busting our bunions in stilettos? We’d rather eat lunch on the Manhattan Beach Pier, and watch the sunset.
9) Our moma-N-law flew all the way from Alabama to spend Thanksgiving here in Hollyweird. She loves Diddy, but not enough to forfeit that turkey and dressing. Plus, Sean sent the invitation to her business address.
8) We weren’t invited to the AMA Awards
either, but it was broadcast on television. We couldn’t miss J-Ho shake her old ass like a go go dancer. Diddy was insane to schedule his turn up AMA night.
7) Beyonce. Our mom says she needs to retire. Once we realized her and Gay-Z were on the guest list, we had to decline.
6) The Los Angeles Auto Show is popping in downtown Los Angeles. Showbiz insiders hooked us up with media passes, and free parking. We don’t know about you, but we’re trying to whip something nice for 2016. Diddy run the city, but what’s up with this new Ford GT?
5) We couldn’t find a babysitter. Everyone was either at the Auto Show, AMA Awards, or Diddy’s shitty party. Our kid isn’t raised by nannies, or grandparents. We certainly wouldn’t leave him home alone like Draya did. Shade.
4) We couldn’t find anything to wear. We didn’t know weather to dress like a thot- like Kourtney Kardashian and Amber Rose. Or hit the scene with with a pastor’s wife swagga, like Diddy’s mother. The Redondo Beach swapmeat was too packed. Goodwill wasn’t running a sale.
3) This website is gritty and salacious, but we do have religion. Everybody at Diddy’s party are rumored members of the Illuminati. Them hoes will never have us skinny dipping naked with men, like Justin Bieber– or joining Scientology like Mindy Kaling. Fame is a wicked addiction.
2) No new friends. Showbiz people are really weird, and so are their kids. We’ve turned down offers to attend listening parties, movie premiers, and quality time at Drake’s house. You know when that Hotline Bling? We feel in order to maintain @HollyweirdTimes originality, it’s best we remain stranded in normalcy.
1) TheHollyweirdTimes fans are incredible. Thank you for supporting our journey to the top of the entertainment journalist game. We’re flattered when established news outlets bite our style. Without incredible readers like you, we wouldn’t have the opportunity fulfill our dreams. You depend on us to spill this tea, so there’s no time to Get Loose and sip Ciroc with Diddy. What you need to be worried about is, the alleged threesome Omeeka had with the Bad Boy.
@HollyweirdTimes you got the best tweets
— Anette Teo (@Anette_12571) November 18, 2015