The Top 10 Asinine Assumptions About Los Angeles That Are Completely Untrue

The price of Cali living scares you. The thought of constant sunshine fries your brain. No matter how much you love your town, or hate the Kardashians, everyone admittedly has secret dreams of Tinseltown.  Beautiful shots of the citified paradise overshadow your favorite reality show.  Every single award ceremony is hosted in L. A.  Los Angeles is home to your favorite musician, movie star, sports hero and celebrity crush.  The Red Hot Chili Peppers were born in Los Angeles at Fairfax High School.

Tupac Shakur dedicated an entire track to the glitzy city on his last studio album The Don Killuminati: The 7 Day Theory. It’s the place to be… you gotta be there to know it, and everybody wanna see …the chorus chimes on ‘To Live And Die In L.A.’  Endless palm trees bring tourist with secret pipe dreams, and thirsty hopes of a Hollywood career. Very few of the furloughed and unemployed dice shakers have the stones to actually move to L.A. Most are too scared to even dream about it.  We’ve taken the time to set the facts straight. Don’t assume you know everything about “Hell A”.


 #10.  The super-rich investors responsible for London’s prime real estate bubble are adding California to their wish lists. It’s cost way too much to live in Los Angeles, unless you’re willing to live in a one bedroom apartment with at least six roommates. Hollywood’s heavy hitters just slap their sweaty balls in your face, by owning several homes in Hollywood’s Hills, but they rent them out to less fortunate slime balls like us. Everyone is sadly aware of the housing market crisis, and the poor people stuck in loan debt that exceed their home’s value.  Just because you were duped by greedy banks, doesn’t mean  the fat lady has sung.  You can even convince your bestie to jump off the bridge with you. Share a mini apartment in Santa Monica.  Each unit is 375 square feet.  If you’re really rich, Compton California is an ideal neighborhood near LAX.  1800 W Tichenor St, Compton, CA 90220 is now available . It cost a measly $220,000.00 and has two whole bedrooms.  If you have the money (and street cred) to live in Compton, may we suggest you avoid wearing red or blue?

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#9. There is no feeling more gratifying than  staring into the gorgeous  pacific ocean.  Fresh air, and beauty so mesmerizing it will make you cry.  Angelenos are a quick drive to Malibu, Santa Monica, and Manhattan Beaches.  Miles of soft sand, swaying palm trees, and the lure of the sparkling ocean make the City of Angels a magnet for surf-and-sun devotees. Most L.A. residents live less than 30 minutes from more than one beach, if we pretend traffic isn’t thick enough to encourage suicide. You can too, if you’re willing to drop 20$ to chill for 20 minutes. Not to mention being obligated to tip the creepy guy in the tight underwear in Venice beach hustling for food samples, and photo opportunities.  

#8. Kim Kardashian proves that anyone can be a star.  This is a pop culture, social media obsessed, meat beating world. Reality shows have overshadowed Hollywood’s true talents.  Nobody wants to see Ben Affleck, or Scarlett Johansson on the magazines unless it’s a tabloid involving scandal.  Hollywood’s seasoned vets have been replaced by the cast of Big Brother, Teen Moms, Real Housewives and the Kardashians.  This is the perfect time to drop your dissatisfying, dead end job, and pursue your true passion- waiting tables, and waiting on a recruiter (who bamboozled you out of $250) to call you back. California’s job market is growing, but at an agonizingly slow pace, according to a report released by Chapman University. Surely, there’s an artist, writer, comedian, musician, dancer, or entertainer lurking below that stuffy collar shirt. You can always get twork when you’re old, and sell fruit until you get discovered.

 

#7. Floss Angeles is the sports capital of the world. LA boasts two NBA teams (Clippers& Lakers), two baseball teams (Angeles/ Dodgers), two Hockey teams (Kings&Ducks), and LA Galaxy for the soccer fans.  But look at the competition for No. 1 sports city in the U.S. Who else is hotter? Who else is operating on all cylinders? Who else has so many reasons to be excited? Heck, L.A. is atop the heap without even having a franchise playing NFL football, the most popular sport in the country. Yep, that’s right. The heavily Botoxed, gluten-free, salad eating, Louis Vuitton snobs don’t even have a football team.

#6. Certainly L.A.’s short drive from Las Vegas, to Mexico adds spice to street vendors’ tasty fecal tacos. Want to go on a temporary vacation, without having to call in sick?  Vegas is less than a 4 hour drive from Los Angeles.  If you really want a scenic route to entertain your family, take a quick trip to Mexico.  You can visit another country by car in less than 3 hours.  Tijuana Tequila anyone? Just be sure to say goodbye to your family. They will never see you again. You’ll either end up selling sex and blow jobs to support your gambling habit, or they’ll find you naked, & headless dangling over the 405 freeway.  Authorities found nine victims, including four women, hanging from an overpass leading to a main highway,  Hours later, police found 14 human heads inside coolers outside city hall along with a threatening note. The 14 bodies were found in black plastic bags inside a car abandoned near an international bridge, the official said. 

Gruesome: Nine bodies have been found hanging from a bridge in Nuevo Laredo, Mexico, which borders Texas. The four women and five men are suspected members of Los Zetas drugs cartel

#5. Hell ‘A’ is a melting pot of all races, and no one feels inferior.  The only color Los Angeles recognizes is GREEN. LA is very open-minded to outcasts, weirdos, and people with flamboyant styles.  The LGBT community is highly respected, and considered normal too. People tend to shun those who are ‘different’ in small towns, but not Los Angeles. Same-sex marriages are legal in  California.  If you don’t mind watching tweenage lesbians make out at the mall’s food court, Los Angeles would be perfect for you and your family. Don’t be shell shocked and staring with your mouth wide open when you see a homeless, transsexual prancing up LaBrea Ave rocking Jimmy Choo stilettos and a lime green wig.

#4.  Being Able to smoke pot non stop is the best. You’ve already heard Cali is known for the world’s best marijuana. Adults are allowed to smoke it, and grow it.  Voters statewide voted against the ‘Regulate, Control and Tax Cannabis’ initiative (Proposition 19). It proposed allowing Californians 21 years of age and older to possess up to an ounce of marijuana, and to grow their own plants on up to 25 square feet of land. Proposition 19 received 47.1% of the vote in San Diego, 48% in Los Angeles County, and 63.7% in San Francisco, according to Yes on 19.  So now Medical patients and their baby mommas, and daddies may legally possess and cultivate marijuana under Health and Safety Code 11362.5 (Prop 215) if they have a physician’s recommendation or approval. 

The recommendation costs a whopping 30$, and last one year. Here’s where it gets ‘sticky’.  Kids in LA already have to dodge gangs, tranneys, and underpaid cops. Sadly, the pot stops them from gaining employment, and the passion to move out of their cars. Don’t even mention the danked out future leaders busy soaking free WiFi at Starbucks during class hours.  The city is flooded with homelessness, and homeless millionaires are impatiently standing in line at the Kush dispensary.  Join in, and avoid the steep price of acting lessons, by pretending to be homeless to make ends meet.

#3. Nothing compares to the 99cents Store. It helps balance the expensive living costs. Since it’s a LA county based business, Angelenos get to buy fresh veggies, wine, fish, and chicken for just 99cents. The LA stores are brimming with name brand items including Hormel, Hostess, Betty Crocker, and more. The 99cents store not only sells household items, and toiletries, it also sells fresh food. Just make sure you eat everything the same day because they’re known for sneaking expired food on the shelves. We keep a Pepto Bismol handy, they sell that too. It’s great for upset stomach, diarrhea, and e coli infection.

 

#2. Dreamers say that Los Angeles is super hip, and fashion forward. Actually, they’re just a bunch hippie crew members who bring swag to they’re rags. Dodgers invented “vintage”. Ever notice how some entertainers have a ‘homeless’ persona about themselves? Vintage and thrift stores in L.A. are to die for. Goodwills sell furs, Manolo Blahniks, Leathers, Cashmere, Christian Dior, and more. Don’t go bankrupt trying to keep up, they are getting their clothes from the salvation army.  

#1. The weather is the best thing about Los Angeles. It is known for being a tropical paradise, but most folks are just high during their visits. Everyone is wearing sunshades, hoodies, and Jesus sandals with treaded soles.  

The weather is totally confusing. The average temperature is 75 degrees supposedly, but they’re calculating the temperature cooped inside your car during nonstop traffic hours. It’s hot as fish grease during the daytime, but will freeze your dangling parts off at night. Los Angeles chics invented the whole ugg-boot, daisy duke look. Anti hippie’s don’t even realize that Los Angeles boasts plenty of snow in the winter seasons. Lake Tahoe, Big Bear, and Mammoth Mountain ensure the busy socialites get some pure white snow when it’s cold. Lindsay Lohan grew sick of us for snorting all of hers.

 

Climb, bike, snowboard, and surf in the same day.