Secret Service Agents Covering for Malia Obama

WASHINGTON—Expressing gratitude for helping her escape certain punishment, Malia Obama quietly thanked two Secret Service agents Thursday for taking the rap after she crashed a government vehicle into a White House barricade while returning from a late-night party. “Thanks so much, you guys; I promise I’ll be way more careful next time,” whispered the president’s 16-year-old daughter, adding that she would have been “totally screwed” if the two agents hadn’t stepped in to cover for her negligent behavior. “If my parents knew I was out drinking, they would’ve freaked. I really hope my dad didn’t get too mad and yell at you. Seriously, if you guys hadn’t taken the blame for me I would’ve been grounded for, like, a month.” At press time, Malia Obama was reiterating how grateful she was that the agents had also played off her boyfriend’s furtive visit last November as a security breach by a crazed White House intruder. – TheOnion